1. You’re about to step out for a spot of weeding wearing a wide-brimmed hat, with a trug in one hand and a glass of Pimm's in the other. And you don't feel at all self-conscious.
2. You run a Google search for 15-foot slabs of polished marble for the garden and they don't sound too pricey.
3. You decide to dig up your driveway in favour of an elaborate box parterre, with white rose standards at the corners and a froth of white cow parsley in the middle. After all, there’s always space to park the car on the road…
4. You begin following Cleve, Chris, Diarmuid and Andy on Twitter. And Monty.
5. You’ve just turned down an invite to dine with friends because the Her Majesty the Queen is about to turn up to view the gardens and you don’t want to miss her outfit.
6. Your favourite plant is Allium ‘Purple Sensation’.
7. Your partner suggests ‘Let’s build a pond’ and already you’re picturing a reflecting pool fed by a narrow copper rill, with corten-steel stepping stones and an enormous spherical glass fountain that lights up at night.
8. All your plants are packed into the garden cheek-by-jowl – at the Chelsea rate of 30 to the square metre. The effect is glorious (for now)!
9. Next door’s cocker spaniel has made off with your robot mower.
10. You’ve planted five multi-stemmed Himalayan birches, three topiaried yew trees and a small copse of Katsura trees in a garden that’s just 5x5m in size…
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